The Internal Journey

I have had many journeys this lifetime and I am sure many lifetimes before this one. The journey within has been the most difficult. Life is the great equalizer. It truly levels one. It leveled me this past few months.

I feel as though I am in some kind of initiation program for something I had no idea I was trying to get into. I have always been called to the healing world, to the deep mystical paths, to the core of why we are here. Digging to my depths these past few months has opened new doors, new insights and new ways of being in the world. Here’s my adventure:

A few months ago I was called to go to a Shamanic Journey. It popped up on one of my social media platforms and I had been having an urge to explore Shamanism again. In the past, before my relationships and chaotic messes of relationships, I had a deep passion for these types of topics. I seemed to have lost not only myself but also my passion for life. I have a very difficult time when I am in relationships. I  am a very mutable person (well yea makes sense being a water sign). Even though it was lost for sometime, when I discovered the Shamanic Journey ad I did not hesitate and clicked the “going” button.

My heart told me I needed this. In fact, it was my entire being. I went to the journey and started bawling tears of joy and confusion, of sadness and letting go. The Shaman did a journey where we explored the different energy systems in our body. When she got to the throat I couldn’t swallow, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t feel anything but a choking sensation across my throat. It was unsettling to say the least but I stuck with it. I went through the process of my journey and once I came back I realized just how stuck I was. I noticed how I keep so much inside of me and my voice was lost. I know I share a lot online because online is where I feel most comfortable in life. I can just be free and be me without judgement or criticism. The past five or possibly even more years though I was stuck, my voice lost and I was in a holding pattern of catering to another human beings’ healing process.

I realized at that point that I had to start speaking up more and claiming why and what I am doing in the world. As you all know, or maybe can guess, being a fetish model for 19 years has had its ups and downs. I chose this road I believe to really learn judgement. I know it intimately. Part of my mission is to be my full authentic self scars, scrapes and all. Vulnerability.

So this whole process of going to the journey and realizing more of my truth opened up the fact that I must be playing my bowls and practicing my sound healing. I am a Teacher and a Healer and have always gone in and out of claiming that. I know that Sound Healing and playing the crystal and Tibetan bowls has been one of my gifts to humanity. So, long story short, I was invited to play with the two women who conducted the Shamanic Journey.

I played with them and the rest is history. During this discovery of reconnecting with my gift again I also decided to take better care of my health because now all of a sudden I had a reason and purpose again. I had a connection with my bowls and wanted to share the healing with others. I went to the doctor, which I have not been to in over 15 years. My first mammogram revealed several cysts in my breasts. When you are faced with news like that there is not much to do but forge ahead. I really had no choice.

I have experienced and had a very long encounter with cancer when I was younger. I know that just like in life you just have to show up and hope for the best. I did. The week of waiting for the results seemed to be the longest time of my life but also one of the best times of life! When faced with death, my entire life changes. I find it to be a motivator. I do not wish for it at all but I also know that when it is there, it is very real! I also learned that I have many choices in life. I noticed that my reaction to any situation is what determines my entire being. If I choose to live in fear and shock I become stuck. If I choose to find acceptance and have an attitude of what is flow starts to happen in my life. I went in and out of both states however I enjoyed every single moment of my time with the people I was with.

Thankfully a few days ago I received the biopsy results and they were benign. With such notice comes a sense of relief and also a sense of need. Well, it does for me. I just see and feel how short this life can be. I want to be able to share everything from my heart and do things I love and enjoy. I know I still have to work and do survival things but I also have decided to stop wasting my time and wishing my life away.  I also have developed a sense of deep connection to what I call the Universal mind.

We are all connected to this “mind”….we hear and can listen through that deeper knowing, our intuition, that still small voice that knows. Now, my daily practice is to strengthen my connection. I feel like sometimes our intuition, our inner knowing is our GPS and when we listen to that and strengthen it we truly do not need anything else.

I notice it is lost in a world full of noise and distraction but as in most everything in life there is balance. The human cells are always trying to come back into balance or homeostasis. Sometimes it takes near death, sometimes just a realization, but the development of listening and being guiding by that inner knowing is, in my opinion, the ultimate balance. I hope that I do not have to experience that ever again but I am also very grateful for the experience and the lessons it brought me and for taking me on a deeper internal journey.

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