Purple Toes

I feel blessed to have lived the life I have lived and though I have had rough spots and made many not so great choices I still believe my life has been good. I lived it! I have a full bank of memories and a rich reservoir of adventures and many people I have crossed paths with who I learned from and with. I think it has been a success for me….life. I often question life and have always had a huge curiosity for what makes us all tick and why we are actually here. I am learning that Life is what you make up about it. I am going to share my not so lovely moments and my lovely ones. This journey is mine alone and I have learned to share is to live.

Sharing my journey with others has been pretty much the only reason I get out of bed every morning. I used to have OCD and have to wake up at exactly the same time every morning, I was a control freak beyond anything you probably have ever known. My home had to be spotless; I could not even sleep at night if I knew there was a dirty dish sitting in my sink. I had to do certain things and routines in order to even leave my home at one point in my life. I am telling you this because I believe we all have something and we all go through phases or what I like to call chapters in life. There are patterns to this Universe, to life…..we all go through them. One may not have OCD to the extent another has but we all have something. No one is perfectly sane or normal because guess what there is no such thing.

I’ve learned to breathe through most situations and to try to figure out ways to manage my brain. Our brains are the most powerful thing that we have….they create our world. Recently I went through a bout of living in pure fear. I was so devastated by what my life had become after trying so hard to make it perfect that I spun into massive depression, constant daily battles of mind games with my own self and letting go of taking care of myself in any shape or way. I just could not see out of the hole I buried myself in. It was a dark time indeed. I have recently started coming out of the hole digging out of it spoon full by spoon full.

One of the things that has come back to me as I can start to see little cracks of light are the good moments and the physical memories of my past. I had one this morning that I’d like to share. I was living in a condo by myself several years ago when I had a moment of wanting to reach out. In general I am a true introvert, I do not like to blab all over the place nor do I need to be entertained by anyone. I love spending time by myself or with other gentle souls who just like to chill and can either sit and contemplate life or sit in silence and just be. I like quiet things. Anyway, I had an interesting moment of needing to connect so I decided to go to my HOA morning breakfast that they served once a month for all the tenants.

I gathered my courage and showed up at the breakfast. I grabbed some coffee and a cheese danish and sat down at one of the empty long tables. I was one of the first ones there so I figured I eat and say hi to a few people and leave. Well, of course that did not happen. I was slurping down my coffee when a young man rolled up to me. Yes, rolled. He was in a wheelchair. He pointed at the open spot beside me and said, “Hey, you mind if I glide on in there?” He had a sense of humor and seemed very kind so I said, “yea sure, of course.”

He was chatty and started asking me a bunch of personal questions. I deflected most of them because I thought it was strange but I did realize he was just trying to make conversation. I looked down at his toes, yes he was barefoot and it was the middle of winter in Colorado, not exactly barefoot weather. I asked him, “What is up with your toes hanging out, you know they are purple right?” They were literally purple almost frostbite looking.

Timothy was his name. Timothy said, “Well you see I do not give a crap about my toes because I cannot feel them. I am a paraplegic and I literally cannot feel anything down there. I got curious. I could not understand why he wouldn’t still take care of his toes. He started getting very sarcastic about his situation and telling me about how it happened. He was a very good looking guy! He was a former collegiate baseball player who had an accident climbing a ladder. He said, “Do you know how hard it was to go from being athletic and in shape all my life to living in a fucking wheel chair not even able to feel my fucking legs?” I kind of backed off the subject and tried to change it with how he liked living in the condos.

Timothy said, “He look do not feel sorry for me or treat me different, you’re a cool chick and I like talking to you”. I smiled. Some silence passed as I dabbed my finger on the napkin trying to collect the little crumbs from my cheese danish. I do not know what possessed me to ask this question but I did. I said, “Hey have you ever tried to do anything about your injury? There are tons of new things they are doing with spinal work. Is that a possibility?” He rolled his eyes and said, “Dear, that is what I have been doing the entire time I’ve had this injury”. I said, “But you know you should never ever ever give up the Universe has a strange sense of timing and healing and it is not always on our clocks!”. He laughed at me and said, “Ok go live in your Willy Wonka world girl!”.

I placed my hand on his shoulder as I got up to leave and said, “Timothy there is always the unknown. None of us know the answer! Have a a good day!”. I did not see TImothy for several months and one day when I was pulling into my garage he came rolling up the side and surprised me. He said, “hey I need to tell you something! Remember what you said? Well you are right. The doctors have been doing some new testing with spinal drugs and doing some shit with my nerve damage and I am starting to get feeling back through my legs!” I jumped out of my car and gave him a huge hug!

Timothy and I kept in touch for a couple years and his doctors kept finding new treatments and testing out new ways to help him. The last I heard from Timothy was that he was in physical therapy and able to walk with assistance and guess what? He could feel his toes! He told me that he would never mistreat his toes again and that he would never ever give up hope! I am grateful for these memories and these moments in life when I got to be a part of someone else’s life  journey. I love that we are all here on this earth affecting each other.

There is so much negative and so many people living in fear and hate I do hope that it shifts and that people can start to see their light. We are all just walking each other home as Ram Dass states. I feel blessed to have been in a position to say what I said without fear of him caring that I believed. If I had not said that maybe he would not have believed. I do not know. What I do know is that life is a mystery….the great unknown. We are explorers and pioneers of it. If we do not destroy ourselves and each other this journey could be a truly amazing one!

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