Most of the time, travel and new experiences help me to process my world and my understanding of life. My last trip to New Orleans and Las Vegas definitely popped open some new epiphany cells in my brain. Those of you who read this certainly get a deeper meaning of the world of Mikayla and get to know more of my make-up as a human not just a product. Many people in my personal life ask me why I share so much with the internet world and complete strangers. My answer is first, it is for me, writing helps me process life and second, if I can help even one person with some of my insights or experiences then I feel happier to be alive. In short, it makes me happy so I do it.
I had a wild Friday the 13th this month in New Orleans where basically I had way too much to drink and was processing way too many emotions. I am going to spare the actual “story” of it and get straight to the point. I have immense feelings still for my ex husband that I cannot get rid of that right now. We are extremely toxic for each other and this is not healthy and not the way I want to live my life. I am a smart woman though and understand the power of emotions and connections to souls that bond and have come to teach each other lessons. He is one of those souls in my life. I pray that our bond will be healed and we can move forward in life in a healthy way. I have been trying to move forward in my life to LIVE and not just exist here. In New Orleans I had an epiphany, a drunk one but it was still a very enlightening moment.
I was bawling, literally crying out my eyes, saying to my friend “He doesn’t really care for me, does he?” This was all about some other dude not even my ex however what I later processed was that in fact it was for me a pattern that I have with all men. I question whether or not I mean anything to them and if they truly care for me or just use me for whatever pleasure they have in mind. I know this is probably some deep reason I am in the work that I am in but I am not going to psychoanalyze that part of me today. I did however process the fact that all of this questioning and sadness stemmed from my stupid night of drinking way too much white wine and Moscow mules. It came from one experience with one man but triggered something so deeply etched in my brain and my cells that it bubbled to the surface and literally exploded.
So, I have this pattern and I know we all have patterns that we are constantly repeating or being shown for I believe we can keep processing them or we can look deep into them and begin to heal them. This pattern of mine of questioning whether or not a man actually loves me for me was triggered by one man but then trickled down over the days to all of the men in my life. I think A LOT and when I say A LOT I mean A LOT! I am a thinker, a philosophizer a curious heart and mind. So, over the days I thought about every man who ever had an impact on my life and I said, “Oh my God did any of them actually love me or care for me?” My messed up conclusion was No but then I truly had to question that. I did and I traced that belief back to my childhood and my father and how he gave me no reason in particular to ask this question but I did it. I learned that I often wondered if my father really cared for me or not. Of course he tells me that and I know he would do anything for me and he always did but for some deep strange reason I asked that of my world when I was a child and somehow it has carried on to my adult life in every relationship with a man I have ever had! This is daunting and honestly very tiring.
It is truly amazing to me how we as humans tend to continue to carry over our experiences in childhood over to our adulthood (especially with our parental figures). I often wonder if this is part of the process of life…to come into life, be affected by our upbringing and those adults who basically dump all their insecurities and fears and opinions onto us as children and then we must somehow undo it all or question it all for the rest of our adult lives. It is a strange place we live in and who knows exactly why we do what we do but it is a mystery and I suppose this is part of living it is to live the unknown. What is cool though is that when we have discoveries and insights show us our old selves or ways that perhaps we do not want to choose any more we can do something with those insights.
How I am approaching this new insight of mine is that it is not any one else’s job to love me or prove to me that they love me. This message came to me to wake me up and see and know that I can love myself. I do believe that humans are not perfect. I believe that there are bigger pictures to this Universe that we have no clue about and that the bigger picture includes “masculine and feminine forces”. I know that I am loved by the Universe and that even if I do not feel love from myself or a man that I have that force of nature with me always. Native Americans call it “Father Sky” and “Mother Earth”. I know that Father Sky is somehow always looking out for me and watching over me. I do trust that this pattern that I have been playing out for basically 43 years of my life is about to shift.
I love life for that, we can always shift, we can always forgive, we can always see what we were doing and choose something different. It took all those experiences and even the getting wasted in New Orleans situation to find out this message and to see my patterns of life. I do believe that knowing this and seeing this part of me will make me a stronger person. I am learning to forgive myself and the relationships I have had including the one with my father in order to have a more healthy relationship with myself and with others. I think this is all we can do in life. We are constantly evolving. Maya Angelou said it best, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better”.