As I continued to delve deeper into the worlds in my mind and not the reality that was happening around me I sank deeper into debt, my husband and I grew further apart and I actually started fearing for my life. I would have panic attacks and freak out about sounds and people. I could not be around big crowds or deal with people very well at all. Even though I was numb and basically toxic I knew in my gut that this was not me and that this was not the life I knew I should be living. I gave everything to my relationship but perhaps that was not a smart thing.
Even though I am a huge amazon woman strong and mighty, I am also a soft flower. I am the definition of “Big Friendly Giant”. I have a soft heart and a deep compassionate soul. I have been beaten and battered by life in many ways but this way was a different feeling. I thought if I gave everything I had to my husband and to the relationship that some how the Universe or God or whatever you want to call it would take care of us. The magical thinking and “manifesting” a good life stopped when the “doing” had to start. I believe in magic and I believe you can manifest things in life but I do not believe they just show up. There is a doing part to all the magic and us sitting on our asses getting high every day was not “doing”.
This period of life lasted about five years and came to a tragic break when I literally had a breakdown. I am not proud of this and I am sure that if someone wanted to hurt me they could use it against me but to be honest with you I am not afraid of life anymore because of what happened to me. I sincerely believe nothing can be worse than the hell I went through. I know that people experience hell in different ways but mine was through mental and emotional pain. My soul felt like it was going through it’s “dark night of the soul” for three years. I am still on the tail end of my mental and emotional hell as I am unable to let my husband go even though he is gone physically.
The pot numbed my body so much and changed my chemical make up to where I had thoughts of extreme paranoia and I could not get a handle on time. I felt like I was tripping through time zones and in different realms trying to understand and get some kind of grounding. I felt like I was a lost soul floating through this Universe bumping up against all kinds of energy and most of what I saw and dealt with was literal hell. I saw all the things that haunted me as a child and all the shame and guilt I had hidden as an adult. At the end I was so scared to tell anyone but I was afraid of my own self, I had often thought of leaving this world but never acted on it until the day I actually tried. I tried to tell my husband what was wrong but he would just get angry and tell me I needed to smoke more to relax.
I finally decided to get help when I just could not handle it anymore. It was like being in the ocean in the roughest waves as a tiny helpless ragdoll being beat over and over again by the relentless waves of life. I could not stop it and what was crazy was I still cannot tell if what was happening was really happening or my brain making it up. It does not matter if it was real or not on the external it was happening in my internal and the pot enhanced it because once I decided to get help it slowed down. One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life was asking my husband if he would please get help with me and him saying, “There’s nothing wrong!”.
I left. I know the pain is still very alive in me because I cry as I write this. This person who I wanted so much to share life with and who I had beautiful adventures with, who I danced with, climbed mountains with, swam and rode waves with, made love to, cried with, comforted and watched progress into a wonderful man was gone. He moved and did not want anything to do with me. Beaten down by life and mostly by my brain I asked my parents if I could stay with them until I figured out what I was going to do with my life.
A once vibrant, financially secure, stable, independent woman had turned into a shell of a human (I felt like a zombie), broke with not even a penny to my name and sobbing on my knees begging my parents to let me heal at their home. My process of healing my brain and body has taken two years of being sober and working daily on the battles that haunt my brain. I did it with a lot of rest, surrounding myself with good friends and family and perhaps the biggest thing that helped me heal was becoming a Caregiver.
I had to make money and did not want to go back into the Fetish world right away because well in my head that was one of the guilty and shameful things I had done that I thought I was being punished for. I knew that if I helped others I would help myself so I called the company advertising the Caregiving position and jumped in. I will share more of my experiences with that later but basically I had two clients who helped me by reflecting my strengths and who I was back at me. It was like a “remembering process. I was stripped of who I was because I gave it all away to a lifestyle that obviously was not healthy. I regained it by helping others.
It was humbling and very “real” as I wiped people’s butts, I gave strangers baths, I cleaned their toilets daily, I listened to their life stories. I sat with some of them in silence as they sat in their chairs drooling on themselves not knowing where they were or who they were for that matter. It was as if the Universe was snapping me back into reality as I had lived so many years of it in complete oblivion. During this time I asked myself, “What are you good at? What do you want?”. I always had a calling for Entertaining. I enjoy making people happy and sharing my talents (mostly physical) with the world. I think that is why I was such a good athlete. I did it because it felt good to be in my body and share what I had with others. I enjoyed hearing the crowds cheer and the feeling of knowing somehow even though it was small that I was adding to people’s lives.
I spent nine months with my clients who became like family to me. One man in particular, Evan, changed my life. I would sit with Evan for up to eight hours a day. He was a Navy Veteran as well as one of the first men to help develop satellite systems for the US Government. He had Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. I have a more in depth story about what happened with us but basically sitting with this amazing human being as he slowly made his transition from the last chapter of his life to his death was one of the most humbling things I have ever experienced. It was an honor to be by his side and hold his hand as he left this world physically. I thank him so much for sitting with me those days he was in pain and dying and sharing what he shared with me.
I knew it would be a difficult process but I knew that I was there for a reason for Evan and for myself. He also helped me. It is funny how the Universe works. I remember one evening Evan grabbed my hand. Most days Evan was not on this planet mentally, he truly was just a body sitting and processing his past and every now and then eating, shitting and taking a shower. But that night he grabbed my hand and started praying. He said, “Dear God show this woman who she is and what she means to you as your Child. Let her see her own beauty and know why she is here.” This prayer of his went on for 20 minutes. I still have that memory etched in my brain as if it were happening now. I just cried. I could do nothing but cry. He finished praying and then with his sweet frail bony hands he used his strength to pick up my hand and kiss it. He folded his hands and went straight back into his zoned look.
I do not know how the world works and obviously it is a huge mystery but I do believe in Angels. I do believe in healing. I do believe that we are all here sort of bumping up and against things and life and people and places and trying to find our centers. I believe that we are all helping each other in some way. After this experience I know that there are higher powers out there helping us to where we need to be and that we always have little reminders or nudges from our inner being. I know this.
After my nine months seeing life as I have never seen it I decided I wanted to go back into Entertaining and the only way I knew how was to go back to Mikayla and the world I had created with my feet and my big ass Amazon self. It has only been six months since I have been back and that in itself has been quite a transition. I feel blessed to have the love and support of the people who love me in this life. I feel like part of my mission or reason for being here on earth is to shatter judgements, to clear paths and roads for others to take if they choose, to say hey there are options in life and you can create and share your talents. I also believe one of my main missions in this life is the word ACCEPTANCE.