I have been sharing my life publicly since I was in junior high when I was a teen superstar athlete. I suppose I am used to the feedback, support, criticism and have had to deal with all kinds of opinions including my own. The reason I love sharing with the world and especially my fans and supporters of what I put into the world is because it gives me a purpose. I have always wanted to share my life with one person and have an intimate connection with one soul. What I have learned is, that does not work for me because God put me on this earth to share and for some reason I seem to attract men who don’t want me to share. I am trying to figure that one out still.
I have tried to run. I have tried to hide and part of this blog is my story in coping with what I thought was a curse and now see as a blessing and that as long as I am living my purpose somehow things seem to work out. SOOOO these are my thoughts, my adventures, my insights , and how I process the world.
I will warn you if you do not know who I am and have not followed my world over the past 18 years this could blow your mind. My adventures, how I touch people’s lives, and how I process the world is anything but normal.
I will give a little introduction and fill you in on my world. I was BORN to be a teacher. I have always felt that in my blood. I can remember asking my father when I was 6 years old, “Dad, how does someone be a teacher when they grow up?” My dad said, “They go to college!”. So from age six I had a mission and that was really the only thing I focused on…how to get to college to be a teacher.
I graduated with honors and on athletic scholarships and went on to be an Elementary school teacher. I was living my dream and then what I call a whack from the Universe hit me. My body had a malfunction, I had cancer. Going through the process of cancer when I was 24 years old hit me. Cancer was probably one of the best things that had ever happened to me. It woke me up to life. I saw things in a different light. I always thought I wanted the white picket fence, the perfect house, the husband, 2.5 kids and a dog and maybe a cat. I was well on my way to all that. Well, cancer and the threat of a life not lived fully stopped me in my tracks and made me reconsider my choices.
To make a very long story short, I got divorced, sold my home, quit my job and moved to Maui, HI. There were a lot of other things going on in the interim and all this did not happen at once it was a process of about 8 years or so but I did it and felt I could not just sit on my hands doing the “normal” life. Normal is not a bad thing at all and stable is a wonderful way to live but what I know in my heart and my soul is that I am a traveler, an explorer, a trendsetter and a creative mind that must be allowed to be free and explore.
During this time I developed my own brand as a Fetish and Fitness Model. That in itself is another super long story that I will save for later (as I am finishing my second book on it) but basically I created an image, a brand, a persona that was me but it was the part of me that I had to keep hidden for, well for obvious reasons. When asked what do you do? It is hard to come right out with most people and say, “Oh I am a fetish model. People pay to watch videos of my feet and adore me because of my height and strength”. So that has been a whole process in itself.
I have many battles that I fight internally about the choices I have made and one of the biggest ones was that I thought I could never live a “normal” life and do what I did. I was single for ten years and never found it easy to tell someone I was dating my career path. Most people just simply do not understand or they make quick judgements about me and what I do for a living. A lot of people have no idea exactly what I do and the second I say the word “Fetish” people’s faces turn pale and most stumble around trying to change the subject. It has been an interesting journey interacting with a “normal” world as a woman out of the box, out of a society that has mostly been repressed sexually and taught to hide or keep their sexual desires and fantasies deep in some Pandora’s box of their soul.
Because this battle was so loud in my head I decided to try the “normal” life. I wrote my first book, said good bye and thanked my fans for their many years of love and support and moved back to Maui where later I would meet my husband to be. This relationship was one of love and caring but deep insecurities on both sides. I knew that I wanted to be with a man who would accept my past and he did just that but he also never wanted to ever hear anything about it. I was not allowed to ever express anything about it or deal with it in any manner so it was basically another thing I had to hide.
Well hiding, I have learned never ever works. Hiding things in life only buries them deep into our skin and then eventually festers so long and erupts like a volcano. This is exactly what happened. I lived for several years with this really amazing man and we tried so hard to be “normal”. I created a business for us to teach others physical fitness and to help others learn to appreciate and love their bodies. It worked for a little while but then we got heavily into drugs. When I process this I believe part of this was me just giving up. I felt tired of hiding and worrying about money and what I could do to keep things going. I worried about people finding out what I did and who I was and how I would explain things. People loved us and what we had to share with the world. Both of us were very physically fit and into sharing fitness and nutrition. With the healthy side came the numbing side of pot.
Pot and I are not friends. For some people it is amazing and helps them process this world, for me it did the opposite. Pot and I have a love/hate relationship. When I first started doing pot it was once a week and fun! It helped me slow down, to breathe and just let my brain be free. It was a great experience and then the more I was having to deal with the real world of keeping my family together and watching the financial pieces of my once very stable and firm financial life crumble to pieces I would take another hit or do another edible. Pot became my way of escaping into realms where I did not have to deal with anything real. It numbed my body, my brain and my heart.